Defiled Forever Read online

  Dinner is pleasant. Calming. Normal. My bruised ego and self-esteem lap up all of the compliments, but my mind wanders back to Nikolai several times. I am only half present. I crave something that isn’t normal or calm or pleasant.

  Finally, we are finished and I plan to make an escape when the guys go back to the living room for drinks but Matthew halts me.

  “Lauren, step outside with me for some fresh air.” He asks and reaches his hand out to me.

  Without accepting his hand I say “sure” and lead the way to the patio.

  When the silence stretches on far too long I ask “Do you smoke?”

  Laughing at that, he says “Of course not.”

  Of course not. Lauren what do you think? He is a thug? A member of a Russian crime family? Get it together. Snap out of it!

  “Of course not. So tell me why do you want to be a Senator?” I try.

  “I have so many goals and I feel like public office will help me achieve a lot of those things. I think I can make a change.” He says. And he sounds exactly like his ads.

  “Like what?” I push him for more.

  “Crime. Organized crime to be exact.” He says and I feel sick.

  “You don’t want to hear me go on and on about murder and corruption. Just know I want to make the world better for our children. Seriously”

  He looks deeply in my eyes when he says “our children” like he means us personally. I should shock him and tell him I have been sleeping with a murderer. When did I turn rebellious?

  “No I’m good. You have my vote. I promise.” I try to put a little distance between us and step away.

  “I’m not sure, but I think you just insulted me. I was only answering the question you asked. I wasn’t campaigning.” He says sincerely and I feel ashamed. I am so not myself anymore.

  Reaching out to shake his hand, I apologize. “I apologize Matthew. I didn’t mean to insult you. I admire what you do. I am not usually this rude. Can we please be friends?”

  He smiles and takes my hand. “Lifelong friends I hope.”

  “No more fresh air. Let’s go back inside.” And I lead us back into the room with the others. Refusing a drink, I know my Father will be upset if I try to go to my room before they leave so I sit down and try to follow the conversation without falling asleep out of boredom.

  By eleven we are free of guests and I wish my father a goodnight and try to escape upstairs to bed.

  He halts me to say thank you for helping him entertain and acknowledges it was probably too soon for me after my “incident” but he didn’t want to change plans made long ago.

  “It was fine Daddy. I am sorry I was late. The gallery is so busy right now and I am new to the job. I am just fine and I enjoyed myself tonight.” I let him know. Happy smiling daughter.

  Seven

  I fall asleep with thoughts of Nikolai as always. I feel like a high school girl with her first crush. Loser. Around two or three in the morning my phone vibrates and buzzes enough to wake me. Unknown caller again and I am wide awake and excited.

  “Hello.”

  “Hey baby. How was your date tonight?”

  “What are you talking about Nikolai?”

  “That Prick you were entertaining. I saw him. That mother fucker has a hard on for me. I know you are loving the fact he promised to bring me down and everyone associated with me. Mother Fucker.”

  “Matthew Lawson?”

  He doesn’t respond.

  “Those men were here to see my Father, not me. They are his cronies. Besides, how did you see? Are you spying on who comes and goes in my home now?” I ask and I am creeped out and outraged at the same time. Why did I start explaining myself to him?

  “He wasn’t there to see your old man when you were out back alone with each other looking at the stars.” He spits.

  “Nikolai, I don’t know what you think happened or what you think you saw. But you had no business lurking around my home. You have to stop this. I don’t want any part of this game you are trying to play with me.” And I mean it.

  He’s quiet for a minute and right when I plan to hang up he sighs heavily and says “You get your wish. Anatoly is not happy with this situation. I told him I didn’t want to give you up. So, I am going overseas for a while. I just wanted to let you know and tell you goodbye. Get on with your life and I will do the same Princess. If I stay around, I won’t be able to let go. So this is a good thing.”

  “How long is a while?” I can barely whisper.

  “Ktoznayet? Who knows? Three weeks, a month, maybe longer.” He explains with no emotion whatsoever.

  “Will I see you before you go?”

  “No. Goodbye Lauren. Take care of yourself little one.”

  And once again it’s over. I have to do the whole painful grieving thing from the start again. I hate Nikolai.

  Eight

  The next month goes by in a blur. I have worked as many hours as they let me at the gallery and find I love the art as well as the patrons. My life is full and busy and finally normal. I have been dating Matthew very rarely and very casually. He is handsome and decent and a catch as everyone keeps telling me. We have a lot in common and I enjoy his company but there is absolutely no spark, no excitement, and no real no attraction on my part. He is very driven and ambitious so it keeps him from pressing for anything deeper. This is what makes him ideal.

  His career plans take him to Sacramento as well as Washington DC so he is rarely here in LA.

  Amanda and I have gone out a few times a week. Usually a lunch or coffee get together and a movie or a club on one of the weekend nights. We now go to real grown up clubs. Not college hangouts. Clubs where everyone dresses well and is very career driven. Grownups. Amanda is still easy breezy and all about a good time and I am happy to discover I am not a total Ho. I was afraid I was going to be after Niko and the things he taught me to crave, but I find I have no interest at all.

  Now that I have said his name, I will admit I miss him and think of him every single day. I wonder where he is. Is he back? Who is he making love to? Nope. Not making love. Having sex.

  Speaking of that, therapy is good. I go once a week now and feel better about everything.

  Daddy has retired and he golfs daily even though it’s mid-summer and extremely hot every day. He has never seemed happier.

  It’s Friday night and I am going on a dinner “date” with Daddy. Amanda has a hot date with a hot guy tonight.

  Like I said I feel normal again. I’ve officially moved on. Sort of.

  I agreed to meet Daddy at the restaurant on my own after rushing home from work and showering and trying to look my very best for him. When I reach the restaurant I am happy they have valet service for my car. I have that sensation of being watched or followed all of the time now. Not just tonight. I think it may be a little issue left over from my “ordeal” because all of these weeks I’ve felt it morning noon and night and there is never anyone there. Maybe it’s my imagination.

  My Father beams when he sees me and rises to help with my chair. I am pleased I took pains with my appearance tonight when I see his pride in me shine through.

  “Lauren, you look so lovely. I love this new shorter hair on you. I am so proud of the young woman you have become.” He says as he hugs me.

  “Thanks Daddy. It’s still on the long side but it is a big change. Grown up hair for a grown up lady. No more school girl. You look very well yourself.” I offer and we sit down to enjoy a lengthy meal and an entire bottle of wine. Very unusual. New me and a new Daddy I guess.

  We spend way too much time talking about my Father’s new favorite thing: Matthew Lawson. I know he wants to push it but he holds back for fear of putting me off the idea. I make him smile when I tell him Matthew and I are meeting at the club tomorrow for tennis and a political thing Sunday afternoon. Twice in one weekend. Maybe things are progressing more than I thought. Sadly. I really just don’t care.

  Nine

  My summer is long, almost endl
ess. Routine. I go to work Monday through Saturday on whatever days they need me. My schedule changes week to week. I see Matthew whenever and socialize with Amanda or occasionally other friends from school. It is pretty bland and boring. The only tingle of excitement is that I am sure I have a stalker. I am followed everywhere and watched all of the time. I am so screwed up mentally that I find it comforting to be stalked. I am not feeling threatened. Instead, I am happy to know my life isn’t completely bland and boring because of this one little thing. Wrong I know, but we know I am a messed up freak.

  I can’t be sure it is Nikolai or even his doing. I want it to be. The few times I have spotted my stalker off in the distance, he slips into the shadows or disappears completely just when I am about to get a good look at his face. I find myself looking out for him. He will be across the street from the gallery, covered up in a hoodie or outside on the corner near my favorite coffee shop. Always there, but always too far away.

  I hear his steps behind me when I walk to my car in a parking garage. I spot his hoodie when I am shopping and outside the restaurant when I am out with Matthew. I feel him there when we are dancing and acting silly in a club. My stalker is always there.

  It’s kind of all I have. I want more, but certainly not with Matthew. Now that I have felt the highs that Nikolai gave me in bed and I know what it feels like to be totally consumed, I want to feel it again. Without it I feel only half alive.

  I am such a discredit to women everywhere. I seem like a spineless wimp. I need a man to complete me? Eww! I need sex to be overwhelming and all consuming. I need the uncertainty of life or death when Nikolai is making me come while his hand squeezes my throat. Ugh! I am a disgrace to women everywhere! I am a disgrace to the strong independent woman I always thought I would be!

  I read erotic romance novels now. The darker the better. I am seeking more and can’t find it. I hate Nikolai for turning me into this person. I hope I never see him again for the rest of my life, yet I dream of him every night and fantasize about him every day. I fantasize about him alone in my bed some nights when I make myself come. What a loser I am.

  Ten

  With summer winding to a close, I need to be amping up for classes to start up in the fall. I find it hard to get excited about anything these days. With fall comes the big elections so Matthew is fervently working towards his goal and I wish I had just a little bit of his enthusiasm. I can’t seem to focus.

  Working later than usual on a rainy Friday night, the gallery has been packed with people attending a little cocktail party to view the work of a new artist. A different group from our usual patrons. This artist is young and hip and his street art attracts all kinds of people. Finally everyone has left including the artist himself. The owner and I are the only staff left and he tells me to stop cleaning and fussing and to head home. He has a cleaning crew scheduled for first thing in the morning. He sees me out the door with a quick hug goodbye and locks it up behind me.

  It’s really pouring now so I grab a newspaper to hold over my head as I make my way to my car. I don’t know what good it does but I see people do it when they don’t have an umbrella like me. An SUV is parked curbside in front of the gallery as I step outside. Both windows are down and the smell of marijuana smoke is strong.

  “You look good in that tight skirt mama. You need a ride?” comes from the SUV and at least two guys crack up laughing.

  I ignore that and step out in front of their vehicle to cross the street and get to my car down the block.

  As I cross in front the driver says “Why don’t you jump in and you can suck our dicks while we take give you a ride home.”

  Out of nowhere, my hoodie stalker reaches in through the window and starts pounding the driver. His friend jumps out of the passenger side and comes around to help the driver just as hoodie pulls him out onto the pavement. The hood slides back in the scuffle with the two men and it is clearly Nikolai. He pummels the two gang banger types relentlessly and even when they are clearly finished and not fighting back at all, he continues hitting them and brutally kicking them.

  “Niko stop! That’s enough! You’re going to kill them!” I scream. And his sanity returns. He drops his victim to the ground next to his friend. He just stares at me. He is out of breath and visibly getting control of himself.

  “Are you hurt baby?” He asks as he approaches me. Both of us soaking wet now.

  “Of course not they didn’t touch me.”

  “Fuck baby. You are just trouble waiting to happen.”

  “How is that my fault? How can you say that? I ask him.

  He smiles and picks a strand of wet hair off my face. “Let me drive you home. We will come back and pick up your car tomorrow.”

  “I will make your car wet.” I say.

  “Come on.” He says, ignoring my comment and he takes my arm and leads me a block or so down the street where I see the familiar Mercedes parked.

  We are heading for my home in silence when I say “So you’re my stalker?”

  “Yeah and thank God I was there tonight.”

  “Why do you watch me?” I ask in almost a whisper.

  “I still get to see you this way. I’m fucked up sweetheart.” He offers and I reach over and squeeze his hand. It’s the first time we have touched in so long. Even with clammy and rain soaked skin, the feeling is electric and wonderful.

  He keys in security codes without my input as if he does it every day.

  “Do you have staff coming in tomorrow or this weekend at all?” He asks.

  “No. It’s just me. How do you know my father is out of town?”

  “I know everything. I can even tell you his hotel room number down in Orlando and what flight he is returning on Tuesday.” He smiles.

  “Clever you. It’s just me until Tuesday.”

  Eleven

  As soon as we are in and security codes punched in, again without asking me, he turns me to face him with his hands on my waist and just looks his fill.

  I am embarrassed, knowing I look like a drowned cat.

  “You’re so beautiful baby. I see why those boys couldn’t help themselves. You are so fucking hot. Sex in a skirt.”

  I feel a blush sweep from my chest up. First blush in months. I love being under Nikolai’s scrutiny. I love his vulgar words. He’s back. We’re back.

  “I need a shower and warm dry clothes. Did you want something to eat or drink?” I ask.

  “Not right now. Let’s go up.”

  We hold hands up the stairs and he leads us right to my room. Déjà vu.

  Nikolai starts removing my clothes and says “It kills me when you dress like this baby.”

  I am wearing a grey pencil skirt with a soft white blouse tucked in and now ruined grey heals. Plain work wear for the gallery.

  “What am I wearing?” I ask him.

  “It’s not what you are wearing. It’s how you wear it.”

  I am down to my lacy white bra and panties now and Niko sucks in a breath as his hand caresses down my tummy. I shiver and break out in chill bumps.

  I look down to where his big warm hand lies on my cool flat tummy and I see all of his knuckles on both hands are scraped and bloody.

  This is all so familiar to me. His smell, his gravelly voice, the way he makes me feel. This is what I have been missing. This is what I have been craving. Nothing matters but this. Us.

  Bending down and kissing me deeply, Nikolai tastes like heaven, and as always I want more. I pour my very soul into the kiss as does he. I want to express how much I feel and how much I need this. How much I need him. For once he isn’t freezing me out or holding back. He is letting our emotions take over. His as well as mine. Bliss.

  Shower is forgotten as I am lifted and carried the few steps to my bed where Nikolai gets rid of my remaining clothes and frees himself from his pants.

  We are immediately swept up into the frantic, wild, intense, lovemaking even though we are all wet and sticky from the rain soaking.

  Nikol
ai licks and kisses and softly bites his way all over my body as I try and do the same to him. He is still clothed and never likes allowing me any control, so it is hard for me to get to his skin.

  With his mouth at the very core of me, he makes me come in only a few seconds. Without losing contact with my body, he works his wallet out of his pants and tosses it clear of the bed after removing the condom package.

  In a flash he is pushing deeply into me as I have another orgasm and scream out with the intensity of it all. He follows after a few final pumps into me and grunts into my neck.