Defiled Forever Read online

  During my shower, I have completely made up my mind. I am going to Niko’s house. Why not? Scary but I am doing it. I have to know. I dress in jeans and a small top trying to look nice but casual. That’s who I am tonight. Casual. No big deal. I am just popping in for a visit. I am definitely not chasing him down. Very casual.

  I make the long drive in record time and find myself at the gate before his long, long private drive. 7175

  I remember the code here and key it in. Several cars including Niko’s Benz are parked out front but I see no one around outside. Taking a deep breath, I knock on the door and ring the doorbell both. I cringe at how crazy I am right now. Needy Psycho Girlfriend. Cringe.

  Finally, Vlad opens the door. Thank God it is someone that knows me.

  “Hello Vlad. I am here to see Nikolai.”

  He seems embarrassed and nervous. I feel even more embarrassed about what I am doing since Vlad doesn’t open the door all of the way and welcome me inside.

  “Boss is not here.” He says and I feel like he is lying without a doubt.

  “Where is he? I mean do you know when he will be home?” I ask.

  Vlad looks slightly shamefaced like he can’t really meet my eyes. “I don’t know when he will be back. I meet him later tonight. At the club. At Onyx. He said he will be there at midnight. I see him then.”

  “Oh. Ok. The Onyx downtown right?”

  Vlad looks like he feels sorry for me but nods his head in confirmation.

  I awkwardly return to my car and head home.

  When I get home I text Amanda because I really don’t want to go to the club alone. By ten I am trying to look my best and I’ve given up on Amanda returning my text. I’m on my own. Onyx is a pretty famous club with the best looking high end clientele in LA. I feel like there is some kind of business deal going on there for Nikolai and Vlad tonight. I hope he isn’t angry with me for butting in. I just want to make sure he is ok. I am really not stalking him. Right?

  I get to the club a little past midnight. Even though it’s a Tuesday, there is still a line outside and a couple of bouncers refusing to let anyone in. I don’t want to wait alone in this line and think I will have to return home and forget about this. Maybe it’s a blessing in disguise. Then I spot Vlad stepping outside and talking to the bouncers. I rush up before he goes back in and he seems disappointed to see me. He nods to the bouncers and I make my way inside with their help.

  The club is crowded and I turn to Vlad when I don’t spot Nikolai. He seems like a mixture of sadness and guilt. The thought comes to me that maybe this was all a trap. Maybe Anatoly has lured me here to get rid of me. Maybe he has already gotten rid of Nikolai.

  “Where is Nikolai Vlad? Is he here?” I yell over the music.

  “He’s upstairs. VIP.” He answers and I believe him.

  I spot the stairs leading up to VIP and recognize a couple of the body guards I saw before with Anatoly the time he came to the house. They seem to be controlling who can get upstairs. Vlad is close behind me as I head over to them. They part for me to go up and I hold my too short dress tight so no one can look up it.

  Everything is dark blue under the lights and the music is thumping when I spot Nikolai lounging back on a sofa. His arms are spread out on the back of the sofa with a beautiful woman under each arm tucked into him and rubbing his chest and thighs.

  I feel heat spread through me. Head to toe humiliation. “Nikolai?” I say.

  “Oh Fuck. It’s the judge’s daughter! Hey Princess, what are you doing here?” He slurs a little too loudly.

  I think it’s fake. I can’t find words to speak.

  “Come on sit down with us. We can handle one more right girls?” He says and I feel sickened when one of the girls with blue black hair down to her waist says it won’t be the first time.

  I keep waiting for Nikolai to laugh that this is one of his cruel jokes he gets off on. He leans in still smiling at me and kisses one of the girls on her temple. Not a joke then.

  I turn to walk out and he says “Don’t be like that Princess. Come party with us.” Followed by lots of laughing from the three of them.

  Tears fill my eyes, blurring my vision as I rush down the stairs chanting over and over in my head. “Act cool. Don’t be a drama queen. Don’t be a drama queen.”

  I hear Vlad say “I’m sorry miss.” As I make my way through the door and back outside. I am gutted. How stupid of me! Such a fool!

  I don’t really remember the drive home but I made it by two. I lay across my bed in private and cry myself to sleep.

  Nineteen

  Today is the first day of the rest of my life as they say. Daddy is just hanging around when I go to the kitchen for breakfast. I feel beaten and battered but I know what I am worth. I have a job and school starts soon. I am better than all of the pain and torture of loving someone like Nikolai. It is really over. I am finished. New day.

  “My darling girl. Why are your eyes swollen from crying? I thought seeing a therapist was helping you deal with all of that. You’re seeing Matthew still? What do you have to cry about?” He says.

  “I had a bad night Daddy. I’m not as recovered as I thought I guess.” I deflect.

  “Daddy, I was wondering if you could please re do our security here. New locks, new alarm codes, the whole deal?”

  “Of course. Of course I will get on it today. Do you have any reason to think someone would break in here?” He asks.

  “No. It’s just Mr. Francis says there was some kind of assault outside the Gallery when I left Friday night and I guess it brought back all of my insecurities. I feel kind of unsafe.” What a little liar I have become. I can hardly explain to my Father that I have continued having sex with one of my kidnappers and he comes and goes as he pleases around here.

  “Don’t worry Darling. I will hire the best security money can buy. We will have armed guards and attack dogs if you like until you are feeling safe.” He offers.

  “That’s a little over the top.” I don’t want to be the cause of Nikolai killing someone or even harming an animal.

  “Just an overhaul of the locks and all is enough.”

  “Consider it done.” He says with a pat to my hand.

  I pin my hair up in a tight French Roll kind of do and even wear one of the little short sleeved cardigans over my dress for work at the gallery. I feel like I am in full control again. Full metal jacket.

  The gallery is buzzing for a mid-week day and I welcome the distraction. Mr. Francis goes over the story again about the beatings last Friday night and says the cops still have no suspects. I reply honestly

  “I really hope they catch the guy.” And I mean it with all my heart. My sore, battered heart.

  One day blends into the next until suddenly it is time to go back to school. What a summer. I plan to stay a few hours a week at the gallery. I love my job. Other than a few nights out with Amanda and a dinner or two with Matthew in my home, I pretty much do nothing.

  My stalker is back. I feel him more than see him. I have made up my mind if Nikolai ever approaches me again I will call the police and charge him with some kind of harassment.

  My home is now like Fort Knox. My Father took my request seriously and our security system had a complete overhaul. No one gets in without an invitation.

  I feel grown up finally. All of that wicked sex didn’t make me grow up. But taking a stand and moving on from the destructive Nikolai has made me grow up. I like myself and I promise myself almost daily that I do not love him. I do not miss his, I hate him. This has been my pep talk to myself several times a day every day for the past weeks.

  Twenty

  Matthew meets me at the center of the net and gives me a little kiss on the cheek to apologize I guess for his beating me easily. We laugh and agree to sit a while and have something cold to drink and maybe some lunch. He grabs our racquets as I make my way to pick out a good table in the shade. Even though we are deep into fall, the sun still beats down like it is the middle of sum
mer and LA is enjoying record breaking heat.

  The waiter is there pulling out my chair and asking what we would like to drink when Nikolai walks right up to me and I am so shocked at seeing him here I can’t deflect at all when he leans down and kisses my mouth with a fast brief kiss in greeting.

  “Nikolai! What are you doing here?” I ask with my eyes going to seek out Matthew who is just a few steps away and obviously witnessed the entire thing. Oh no.

  “Lauren? Is everything ok here?” Matthew asks and he is clearly uncomfortable.

  “Yes. Matthew this is Nikolai.” I don’t offer last names.

  “Grekov. I know you aren’t a member here. How did you get in?” Matthew asks and the entire time he is looking around for help.

  So Nikolai was right when he said Matthew knew him and was out to get him.

  I’m a guest here with friends. Don’t worry Lawson everything is legal and above board. You won’t need to make a citizen’s arrest.” Nikolai, ever the smart ass.

  “We were just going to sit down if you’ll please excuse us.” Matthew, ever the gentleman.

  Nikolai surprisingly nods in agreement and turns and walks away. As soon as he is out of earshot Matthew starts in “How on earth do you know Nikolai Grekov Lauren?” “Do you know who he is?” Do you know what he does for a living?”

  “I’m not sure Matthew. I saw him in a club once.” (They call this being creative with the truth.)

  “I really don’t like him and I don’t want to talk about him.” “Ever.”

  “He kissed you on the mouth like he knew you quite well.” He accuses.

  “He caught me off guard. It’s a Russian or a European thing. Please can we not talk about him?”

  Reluctantly Matthew agrees, but our perfect day is ruined. I can tell Matthew is full of anger and curiosity. I hope he doesn’t sense my rapid heartbeat and how distracted I am.

  Oh my God. I realize I love Nikolai. I hate him more but there is a feeling all over me that I only get in his presence. Therapy stat! Lose the love. Build the hate.

  I want to escape this place and not risk seeing Nikolai again, but Matthew insists we have lunch here and I agree so as not to raise suspicions. We order and I excuse myself to wash my hands before eating.

  The ladies room at the country club is nothing short of luxurious. All cream and gold. I let the cold water run on my wrists and make an effort to calm my nerves and get my game face on to go back out there when the door opens and Nikolai predictably strolls in.

  “Get out. Get out and stay away from me or I will call the police Nikolai.” I am only meeting his eyes in the mirror. I refuse to turn around and face him.

  “Does Lawson know you would let me fuck you in here right now?”

  “You’re ridiculous.”

  “Is he your dream come true? Tell me, is he everything you ever wanted?” He snarls at me.

  “Does he know that this is probably what you came in here for? That you hoped I would follow you?” He sneers and now his hands find my hips from behind.

  I move out of his reach and he arrogantly turns leaning against the counter.

  “Let’s pull the little tennis skirt up and the panties down and see if I’m right Lauren. I bet every penny I have that you’re wet for me.”

  “Oh so now I’m Lauren. Last time I was the Judge’s daughter. Remember that? I hate you Nikolai.”

  And I turn to go out the door quickly but he catches me halfway out the door by my hair not caring who sees. Fortunately, no one witnesses as he drags me back inside. Still holding my hair he kisses me deeply forcing his tongue inside my mouth. I refuse to kiss him back and wipe the back of my hand across my mouth when he lets go of me.

  “Leave me alone Nikolai. I mean it. I will have you arrested and tell them everything I know if you come near me again. Stop following me. Stop stalking me. I hate you.”

  His face goes dark and his grey eyes turn almost black as he says “Be careful who hears you say stuff like that. Those words can get you killed. And not by me.”

  I return to our table, flushed and lips swollen I’m sure, but Matthew is oblivious to all of the drama going on. His biggest concern seems to be his precious club is allowing the wrong kind of people in.

  We make small chit chat and we never see or hear anything from Nikolai for the rest of the day. I have to lose the love and build the hate. I am stronger now and I love and respect myself for it.

  Twenty One

  Time flies even more now that I am in school. My job, my studies, my classes all keep me too busy to concentrate on anything else. The election is drawing to a close and I am certain Matthew has this in the bag. There have been no further run-ins with Nikolai. He has moved on to trap another fly it seems. I wish her luck, whoever she is. Matthew only brought the subject up once again by asking me one night while we sat on the sofa at my house watching a movie.

  “Do you see Grekov on a regular basis?” He asked out of the blue.

  “No! What do you mean do I see him?”

  “I mean, I don’t know what I mean. Is he a friend of yours?” He asks.

  “No! I told you I don’t like him at all.” I say.

  “Good. Because I plan to get him a life sentence. He is the worst kind of lifelong criminal. He is the source of so much crime and corruption in this district and all over the world really. They are a big organization and I am going to bring them down. Starting with him. I’m going to bury him.”

  I made no comment and just stared at the movie until it finished. Out of all the men in the world to choose from I had to get in the middle of this deal.

  Having no contact with Nikolai doesn’t mean he has quit stalking me. I feel him no matter where I am or what I do. He stays back and in the shadows but I know he is watching me. The whole thing is feeling worse every day, not better. I feel suffocated by everything. Matthew’s suspicions. Nikolai’s stalking.

  The aching loneliness I feel in bed some nights. All of it. Suffocating.

  My father has left me home alone a few weekends and Nikolai stayed away.

  I tell my therapist everything. I just can’t move on. My grades are suffering. For the first time in my life I am in danger of failing. Trauma. That is what my therapist and my father, and everyone calls it. Poor

  Amanda she doesn’t have a clue about what all has gone on and she says I am losing it. She thinks maybe there was something from my childhood that I have blocked out. Oh Geese. I want to share the whole sordid story with her but too much has happened now. If I go all the way back to the beginning she would be hurt. I’ve held my secrets too long.

  A homeless man, asking for money, was a little too aggressive one night when I was walking from the gallery to my car. I was only slightly afraid as I reached for some change in my purse. A tingle of excitement ran through my body at the thought of Nikolai coming to my rescue again. As the man walked away with the few dollars I gave him, I caught a glimpse of the familiar hoodie standing against a brick building nearby. He made no move to approach me so I got in my car and drove home.

  I am twenty one and legal now as the holidays are approaching. None of these things that I have always looked so forward to in the past, spark the least bit of interest for me now.

  We have a final fund raising political event coming up this weekend and Matthew is beside himself with excitement. He is in his element. Ahead in every poll and getting love form everywhere for being the youngest blah blahblah and such an upright outstanding young man blah blahblah.

  I decline the majority of these events but as this is the last big one, I agree to go. I am sorry that I look forward to his winning and moving across the country to Washington for most of the time. Shame on me.

  Daddy says he will be attending with his usual cronies and the event is snowballing into something huge and the feeling of suffocating grows stronger in me. Daddy says he notices the changes in my personality these past few months, and suggests I need a better therapist or maybe medication. I assure hi
m I am fine. Just so busy with everything.

  The night of the fund raising event is finally here and I look at myself in the mirror. I haven’t worn a formal gown very many times in my life before. I feel like a princess. What girl wouldn’t? Even a suffocating one.

  The soft delicate green of the dress flatters my hair and skin. I thought I was pretty much a black or white girl when it came to formal wear, but when the sales lady insisted I try this on, even though I called it a prom dress from the nineties, I fell in love with how sophisticated and flattering it was. Nothing like a prom dress. Beautiful. My hair is up and I wear subtle jewelry. All diamonds. Small solitaire earrings my Father gave me when I graduated from high school. A solitaire necklace I got when I turned twenty one earlier this month, and a tennis bracelet from my sweet sixteen. All fitting my personality. I am not a flashy girl.