Defiled Forever Read online

  Matthew is beyond handsome when he arrives to take me, wearing a sharp Tom Ford Tux. Father has already left with his friends and promises to dance with me later. We are on our way in the backseat of the limo. (How crass.) All I can think of is how badly I want this to be over with. I am not a good partner for a politician. No matter how badly Matthew and my father wish otherwise. This is so not me. Trying to be the pleaser is suffocating me now.

  We eat dinner and listen to speeches for what seems like hours before the dancing begins. My Father takes the first dance with me. I smile until I feel like my face will break. The feeling of suffocation only gets stronger as this night drags on. In his speech, Matthew referred to me as his “girlfriend” and how much I mean to him and what a great asset I have been to him and how I have been a partner at his side throughout his campaign and he could not have made it without my support. A victory for him is mine as well. What the hell? I have no clue what he is even talking about. I feel like I am being wrapped up in a package for public consumption. The entire thing is an invention. Invented by Matthew and even my Father. I continue to smile as my Father finishes our dance telling me how proud he is of me.

  Of course, Matthew is there for the second dance and I feel myself stiff and unyielding in his arms. He is so fake. Why have I just been going along with him all these months? I continue to smile and get passed from one dance partner to the next. The room is too crowded and I need air badly. When I get the chance I finally step out onto the open terrace.

  I walk as far away from the doors and the small crowd of smokers as I can go until there are no people and very little lights. I inhale deeply but the air out here has a lot of smoke and here, now, in my secluded spot there is especially cigar smoke. I go through the exercises that are now so routine to calm myself and put my game face on.

  I inhale again and I am overwhelmed with that oh so familiar smell mixed with cigar. Nikolai.

  Before I turn around he says “You are so beautiful.” From way too close.

  I turn and there he is, almost touching me, with a cigar in hand.

  I finally snap.

  “Nikolai what are you doing here? What do you want?” I say not caring who hears or notices.

  “You know what I want. What I have always wanted. I want you.”

  “No Nikolai! You don’t. Stop this! That is never going to happen again. We are never going to happen again. You did this Nikolai! You did this! Just because you were able to make it impossible for me to think straight in the past, I am not stupid! You made sure I went to that club and saw you with those women! You did that! You set the entire thing up! You wanted to be sure I got the message! The Judges daughter! Well guess what? I got the message! You moved on! I moved on! This is me moving on! You stay away from me Nikolai! I Hate You!

  And just that moment Matthew is there between is. His arm goes around my waist. He is protecting me from Nikolai even though I was the one on the attack.

  “What are you doing Grekov?” He asks.

  “Just talking to the love of your life Lawson. Butt out.” Nikolai replies and puts the cigar out on the banister to free his hands.

  “I have a security detail here and I am having you thrown out.” Matthew says calmly and I curl into him feeling grateful that he showed up.

  Nikolai is furious. He cannot deal with this. I know him so well in some things. And this savage anger I know so well. He has an uncontrollable temper. He snarls behind his scary fake smile at us.

  “I just wanted to congratulate her. And you too. It sounds like you are on the verge of a wedding. I am sure you will be very happy.”

  I know Nikolai isn’t finished by a long shot and tremble in fear at what I think is coming next.

  “It takes a lot to make Lauren happy. A whole lot. I should know. I know her every secret. I can tell you what she tastes like. I’ve fucked her in every hole over and over and she always takes more. Greedy bitch that she is. I don’t think you are old enough to really handle her Daddy issues, but I guess we are all the same when she is bent over our knee getting her ass spanked.”

  Everything is swirling and off kilter in my vision and I feel like I am going to do the Victorian thing and faint dead away. But that would be too easy. Matthew is still holding me around the waist but I felt him turn to ice at Nikolai’s words. Two burley security guards each have a hold of Nikolai’s arms and he tells them he was just leaving as the three of them walk away.

  I turn tear filled eyes to Matthew and feel sorry for him. I feel so ashamed. Embarrassed.

  “Let’s hope your Father doesn’t hear about any of this. There was no one but you and I out here, but you know things have a way of getting out. Compose yourself and let’s get back to the dance floor before anyone misses us. Matthew says showing his only concern was public image. I thought that he would be gutted by Nikolai’s words, but he seems completely unfazed. It is crazy but if he and I were married he wouldn’t really care that I did all those things with some other man. He would only care if people found out about it.

  “Matthew, I feel ill. I’m sorry but I have to leave now. I have to go home. I’m so sorry. Please.”

  “Of course. I apologize. Let me send you home in my car. Do you have a key to get inside of your house when you get there?” He asks. That is Matthew. Always practical. Never ruffled.

  He walks me out to the waiting car and driver instructing him to take me home and return here for him later. He assures me he will make excuses to my Father for me and I should take some aspirin or something as soon as I get home. A kiss on the forehead goodbye and I know I never want to see Matthew again. His coldness is almostscarier than Nikolai’s violence.

  Twenty Two

  The house is dark as I enter the foyer and kick off my heels. I hear a small sound like maybe the strike of a match. I am not sure if it was only my imagination or if maybe my Father is home already. I walk in the direction of his office where I think the noise came from.

  It’s completely dark and silent. I make my way to the desk and turn on the small desk lamp. I realize it was my imagination and decide to head up to my room. As I turn towards the office door I see Nikolai sitting in a chair and smoking a cigarette which I now can clearly smell. I run back to the desk to grab the phone or something that I can use as a weapon. Nikolai is there just as fast. I grab a letter opener and hold it upto him like a knife.

  “Lauren.” He chuckles. “What has got in to you? You need to be fucked this badly?”

  I lunge at him and he wraps his hand around my wrist to stop me from stabbing him. I am the animal now. This is what he has done to me.

  “I have a knife too. Let me lend it to you. This letter opener won’t do you any good. And he reaches up the bottom of his pant leg and produces a lethal looking small knife.

  “This will work. It’s very sharp.” He says holding it out for me to take.

  “Go ahead Lauren. Stab me. You want to kill me? Go ahead and do it. But remember, you cut me, I cut you back. This sounds like a fun game. Let’s play. Come on cut me.” He says barely above a whisper.

  I am frozen. It is all too much. The events of the night. The stalking. His voice. His smell. It is all too much. I am frozen.

  “I used to say you were Bi Polar but I was wrong. I see now that you are a complete sociopath.” I whisper.

  “On the desk or over on the sofa?” He asks as he takes his knife back from me.

  He is walking me to the sofa and talking in his deep menacing voice.

  “If you knew the things this knife is capable of. So sharp you can’t feel the cut. Just the pain it leaves behind. I’m going to mark you before I fuck you. Fight me Lauren. Don’t disappoint me. I want you to fight me. Fight back. Your life depends on it”

  He places the knife at my throat. The Lake of Tears. Instead of plunging it into my throat and killing me, he gathers the material of my beautiful dress there and slices it downward tearing it the rest of the way down with his hands, baring my body. He holds the knif
e to my throat as he frees himself from his pants and forces me down on the sofa.

  He lowers himself and roughly spreads my legs after tearing off my panties. I think he is going to press his mouth to me as he has in the past, but instead he is looking at my inner thighs and vagina.

  “You’re waxed. I knew you would be even more beautiful like this. Perfection.”

  He rubs inside each thigh. I finally realize he is looking for a spot. A place he can cut me. He wants to scar me.

  This is the time he plans to kill me.

  The scariest part is I want it. I welcome the release. I just lay there in a trance and wait for the whole ordeal to play out.

  Nikolai lowers his mouth to me still holding the knife against my thigh. The cold blade of the knife provides more sensation than his tongue. He slices me at the top if my inner thigh and switches the blade to the other side. I feel my orgasm is on me as he slices the other thigh. I come and he licks first one, and then the other wound. He has lost his mind and wants me to react and I refuse. I can’t stop myself from coming but he will get nothing else from me. He is sick and so am I.

  “I want to make you feel. I want to hurt you. You have destroyed me so it’s only fair I destroy you.” He says as he enters me violently. It is over in a minute or two and he gets off of me and walks out.

  I want to lay here and never move again but the reality of my Father coming home to see me like this snaps me into action. I gather my tattered dress and make sure I leave the office in perfect condition.

  The cuts on my thighs burn and ache as I climb the stairs and close myself in my bedroom.

  I shower and the bleeding doesn’t cease until I apply anti-bacterial ointment to each cut.

  Nikolai has left me bruised, battered, and now bleeding. There is nothing more he can do to me.

  Just like he promised. I am completely defiled.

  Twenty Three

  Weeks pass and after much pleading and not a lot of explaining, Father has let me drop out of school and basically dropout of everything in my life and move to Paris.

  No Nikolai. No Matthew. No Lies. No pain.

  Matthew came to the house the morning after the fundraiser to check on me. He tried to discuss the things Nikolai said but I refused to talk about it yet. I think my inability to deny the entire thing was enough confirmation for him. I told him I couldn’t see him anymore. For a while at least and he took it very well. We parted friends but I feel like Matthew was grateful that he dodged a bullet by not getting further involved with a train wreck like me.

  Father on the other hand, had a million questions I could not answer. I was the walking dead. I was so sad and so lost. I cried. I had no appetite. I was afraid. I was broken. I cried some more. His perfect daughter was a disaster.

  He was completely bewildered.

  I didn’t tell him about Nikolai, but he knows there was something very deep and traumatic to make me want to get as far away as possible. I wanted a fresh start. I wanted no one to know where I went or what I was doing. It was a totally secret mission.

  And since he can never really say no to me, he found an apartment for me near my job at an art gallery owned by a colleague of Mr. Francis. I came into money left by Mother when I turned twenty one so I can afford the new life I want.

  Amanda has promised to come over during the summer break next year. We had grown apart the last few months before I left so it was no great loss really. We grew apart before I actually had my meltdown.

  I am haunted by nightmares of Nikolai. Sometimes I feel him making love to me so sweetly, and sometimes I see him that final night, with my blood smeared on his cheekbones. The hate in his eyes as he drove into me. I fight the memories because good ones and bad ones both cause me nothing but pain. I have the faintest of little pale scars left behind in case I somehow ever forget. I remember a couple of different girls in school that had little scars on their thighs or arms from cutting themselves.

  Now I have my own set of scars.

  I really don’t do a lot with this new life I lead in Paris. I go to therapy twice per week and I work twenty to thirty hours per week in the gallery. I plan to enroll in school and get my degree here eventually.

  What girl my age wouldn’t love living in the beautiful city of Paris? The city is so romantic and alive. The pace is the opposite of LA and I never want to leave.

  I have not gone on a single date, but I have been asked a few times I’m just not ready yet. My boss is a lot like Mr. Francis but he has sort of adopted me. He looks after me and tries to fight the isolation that I choose to surround myself with.

  My new life has gotten into a routine that feels very safe and very comfortable now. Days blend into weeks that now blend into months.

  Twenty Four

  It’s dark and raining of course when I get home from work on Friday night. Shaking out my umbrella, I take off my wet things as soon as step inside my apartment. Before I can make my way to my bedroom to take off my remaining clothes, my doorbell buzzes. Not peeking since I am still standing inches from the door, I pull it open to find Nikolai there. Wet.

  I am super slow to react and he is inside with me before I can slam the door shut. I hate that seeing him in the warm flesh makes me feel so wonderful again. I forgot what this felt like.

  “Nikolai. How did you find me?”

  “I’ll always find you Baby.” He says and even though he is rain soaked, he smells divine as always.

  There is a long pause as we stare into each other’s eyes. I am in shock. I had finally stopped expecting him to show up.

  “You hurt me.” I whisper and hate myself for not saying something smarter.

  “I know Baby. I’m so sorry. Please forgive me. I will never do anything like that again. I’m so sorry Baby.”

  “What do you want?” I ask and slowly, I am getting composed.

  “Just you. I want to talk to you. Please, I want to make this right. Please hear me out.” He begs.

  “Come in.” I say knowing this is wrong. I am such a loser.

  Paying close attention to my wet hair he says “Go get dry and I will wait here and pour us some wine or something. Ok?”

  Without a word I go down the hall to my room and grab a towel for my hair. I see the dark wetness on my dress so I change into yoga pants and a tee.

  When I return to my small living room Nikolai has opened a bottle of wine and is pouring it into two glasses on the low coffee table. He has found a towel of his own and has dried his hair and it is wrapped around his neck. My fingers ache to reach up and smooth his hair back into order. Masochist.

  “You drink wine now I see. A true Parisian.” He says.

  I take a glass and sit in the single chair other than the sofa beside him. I still haven’t spoken. I’m waiting to see what he is after. I know I should have called the police just now and I don’t understand why I didn’t. I don’t understand why I am the happiest I have been in months. Loser.

  “I’m a free man. I got out. For you. For us. I want to have a life with you. Whatever you can give me.” He says with his accent so thick he is hard to understand. Did I understand him?

  “What? What are you saying Nikolai? I don’t understand.”

  “I want a chance. A chance to make some kind of life together. I know you loved me before and I was such a shit. I want the chance to earn your love again.” He says as he rakes his hands straight back through his hair.

  “What I did to you. I know you can’t forgive. I can’t forgive myself. But I want you to give me a chance to start over. To do everything right. To be the man that deserves you. I won’t screw it up. I promise. I just need you to give me a chance.”

  I can’t answer. This is unreal. I am confused by the very idea. I start with first things first.

  “Why? Why did you do those things to me?” I ask.

  “I’m a fuck up. I’m an animal. Especially when it comes to you. You were right. I did set you up to see me with those women. I wanted to push you away. I wa
s put in a position by Anatoly that I had to end it with you. I knew that would be the fatal blow to our sad excuse of a relationship. At the time, I felt like I had to do that to save both you and possibly your father’s lives.”

  “So what’s different now? Don’t you think Petrov can’t find me here the same way you did?” I ask and I am afraid more for my Father than for myself.

  “I am out. I will always be in the family. Anatoly knows I will come if he needs me, but I am out of the day to day operations. I have a clean slate. No one gets out. But I am almost a son to Anatoly so he has a soft spot for me. He has known me since I was a kid. He knows I would give my life before anyone or anything could make me rat. Plus, my investments have made him a very rich man. He is grateful.” He explains and sips his wine before continuing.